Kristian Donaldson, a resident of Westminster Colorado was recently on TikTok, where she came across a video that would change her life forever. “I was just mindlessly scrolling when I came across a video that said that if you light a lighter right under your hair, you will gain super powers.” Says Kristian. “Because it was on TikTok I knew it had to be real!” Unsurprisingly, later that evening a ambulance had to come to this idiots residence. “I don’t even feel bad for her.” Says one of the ambulance drivers. “In fact I’m going to leak her address to the world just to spite her! Whoever is writing this article, please inform the audience that Kristan Donaldson lives at – ” Unfortunately, we apparently are not legally allowed to leak someone’s address so sorry about that random ambulance driver.
According to reliable eyewitness that were at the scene of the ambulance, Kristan was spotted screaming “WHY DIDINT IT WORK I HATE YOU NUMBER1ROCKET1765”. Unsurprisingly, we can exclusively reveal that earlier in the year Kristian scored 23 on a IQ test. According to a Canadian scientist, “Anyone who is that dumb is worthy of investigation”. Due to what this scientist says, while out cold in the hospital a team of science interns scanned Kristians brain. “To our great surprise, we found the explanation.” Says one of the interns, “Nothing showed up on the brain scan, so we took a massive risk and performed sugary on the brain to look for traces of anything that could explain Kristians IQ. When we looked, we found residue of chemicals slimmer to the chemicals found in soda,” “Oh wait,” says another intern, “Um bad news guys I think I spilled my mountan dew.”
A theoretical physicist who has studied the Kardashev scale for ranking civilizations, says “According to my calculations we are now set back about 100 years more than we were before TikTok was created, to become a type 1 civilization” For reference, before TikTok it was estimated that it would take 200-300 years for us to achieve type one.
In court about a week after Kristian was burned, TikToker NUMBER1ROCKET1765, was attempted to be sued $128,000 by Kristian Donaldson. NUMBER1ROCKET1765s claimed “It was just a prank bro”. NUMBER1ROCKET1765 later that day was cleared of all charges.
