Recently at BHMS, I was interviewing a local band nerd about the state of the school. But little did I know this would result in a WAR OF CULTS. Here’s how the interview went.
ME: I need to ask you some questions.
BN: What
ME: Did you see the power outages yesterday?
BN: No I don’t think so.
ME: What is your opinion on the many cults there are in the school?
BN: They don’t affect me too much
ME: Are you aware that Lil Billy is in a cult?
BN: idk I haven’t seen Lil Billy much lately.
Little did I know, Lil Billy was In a cult that the band nerd started.
Me: I’ll take that as you are the leader of the cult.
The interview ended there when the band nerd ghosted me. After the interview, I pieced together the details. When I asked lil Billy about it, he said that the band nerd gave him a crystal to summon something. When I asked lil Billy what he was told to summon he seemed scared and wouldn’t give me an answer. Determined to find out what lil Billy was supposed to summon, I emailed the band nerd to find out more about this cult.
This is the conversation that followed the email.
About 2 days after 2 days after this email in robotics class, I was informed by the leader of the church of the snowman (Definitely not a cult by the leaders description) that lil Billy had joined the deffinitly not cult. After school the next day I did an interview with the leader of the church of the snowman. Heres how it went.
Me: What are you trying to achieve in your church?
Church leader: We are trying to summon the all powerful god snowman.
Me: Do you use human sacrifices for that?
CL: I wouldent call them sacrifices. I would call it bringing them to the side of the snowman.
Me: Does that involve human death?
CL: Its more like being suffocated by snow.
Me: That sounds like human death.
I decided to end the interview there, because lil Billy had just walked in and I wanted to interview him.
Me: How did you join the cult?
LB: Someone saw I had a picture of a snowman taped to my forehead and he invited me to join the church of the snowman.
Me: Whats your role in summoning the snowman?
LB: I dont have one yet.
Me: Do you think that human sacrifices are a good idea?
LB: I dunno.
It seemed lil Billy had not yet been given a proper role in the cult, so I ended the interview. In recent news the bus list cult has been formed. Acording to a newly recruted member, they worship the 8th grade field trip bus lists. “We are trying to summon the magic school bus with dark magic.” Says an 8th grader with the self appointed nickname of “chainsaw”. Ever since the bus list cult was formed, hostilitys between the 3 cults have been growing high. Just this morning a member of the church of the snowman cult got in fistfight with a Calliou supporter. The cultists are also starting to become openly hostile to peope who arnet in a cult, making more middle schoolers make the choice to join one of the cults. “Nobody is safe anymore.” says old man Smith. “Back in my day, we did not have any of these cult shenanigans. I remember one morning I got up to make myself a piece of toast, when I realized my family was out of raspberry jam. After that I decided to walk to the market, uphill both ways for about 3 hours to get there. When I arrived I saw old Bobbie Briggs was about to get the last jar of jam, so I walked up to him and said to him that I would buy the jar of jam off of him for 86 cents. See, back then that was a decent amount of money and that was more than 30 cents more than he would pay for it. So than Bobbie-” Our interviewer just left at this point as this story wasn’t going anywhere.
Reacently the tentions betewwn the 3 cults has turned into an all out war. Just recently, I was mugged by the band nerd that I interviewed and his friend, most likely because I am not in a cult. Meanwhile, in an attempt to win the war against all other cults, the cultists are trying to acheve the goal of summoning whatever their cult is trying to summon. The church of the snowman leader has armed his minions with weapons they believe to be magic, as a means to protect the summoning grounds. This is all the most recent news of the war of the cults, so only one question remains. Will there be any survivors in this war?
