Ever since the terrible realization on September 19, 2022, that school wifi at BHMS removes games, a professional wifi enthusiast going by the name of Ray Knoblocs has been pondering solutions for this awful torture ‘mechanism’. “It was awful. I was about to do my usual Roblox playthrough in Ms. Everev’s advisory class when the tab tried to reload out of nowhere but wouldn’t load,” says Michal Reed. “At this point, I felt like I couldn’t breathe because of the absence of Roblox. This was the last straw. I couldn’t stop myself from crying in front of everyone, including Ms. Everev.” As the interview went on, Michal told us that after Ms. Everev asked him why he was crying, he ended up telling her the reason. He said he saw the sympathy fade from Ms. Everev’s face as he stammered the word Roblox. “‘Go to the office. NOW!'” Michal mimics Ms. Everev’s scary voice.
After this interview, The Banter News team decided to get the other side of the story by interviewing Alangear Everev. “I was uplifted with joy when Michal finally gave me an excuse to add him to the ‘Bad Kid Torture List’. He was one of the last kids to get caught, but because of his information, I told the principal of BHMS all about it and how kids were trying to play games during school hours. Now they will never live to see the su- I mean now, all the teachers will be at peace. MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!” Just a day after the slightly disturbing interview with Ms. Everevil (the name kids now call her), to everyone’s dismay, all the game websites in the history of mankind were removed by the incredibly intelligent ToTorture™ AI that had been trained by retired, evil teachers for this specific task.
In the days that followed this, there were many riots and student vs. teacher wars at BHMS and surrounding schools that were affected by this catastrophic event. Starbursts and soap dispensers were burnt in the bathrooms, explosive pinecone grenades were launched at innocent bystanders by the design tech kids’ catapults, exit signs were ripped out of their places and tossed around, and so much more. Ray Knoblocs was one of the most affected by the incidents. Ray was a kid who used many websites that were unfairly blocked by the AI for no reason and he and his family lived right across the street from the school. His house and lawn, along with many others, were also affected by the wars and riots, since some of the pinecone grenades were dodged by the innocents, causing them to shatter many windows, burn up people’s gardens, and singe the outside walls of their houses. Ray decided he needed to take action. Now.
During winter break, which had just started, Ray rode his high-tech wifi hover tank to the top-secret Sussy Labs headquarters in the snow-covered mountains of Colorado, USA. When he was in the Sussy Labs building, he realized he could use mobile hotspots combined with many of his award-winning wifi extenders to make ‘The Ultimate Mesh Network’, he says. He reports that, unfortunately, his long-range wifi extenders were too large to go unnoticed by the teachers in BHMS, leaving him to brainstorm different possible solutions. “I could’ve made a very high-range hotspot, but it would be very large and have to plug into the wall, which is not an option. I also could have made a hotspot that used lower frequencies, but that would require a license, special software, and new hardware on our Chromebooks that we just don’t have yet. After eliminating that possibility, I thought of a sort-of genius solution. I would make battery-powered hotspots that are disguised as cardboard art projects. Any of these solutions could have worked in a perfect scenario, but this was not a perfect scenario. Remember, there are wars because of the school internet,” said Ray. Ray Knoblocs’ solution sounded easy to pull off on paper, but it ended up being the opposite, taking up his whole winter break because of the design process. When The Banter News team interviewed Ray, he told them a detailed explanation of the plan, which will be summed up by our editors.
Ray claims he put 3x3x3 inch battery packs in the bottom of the ‘Art Projects’, and then put Sussy Lab’s specialized mini wifi hotspots with the new next-gen 6G internet speeds and up to 5 meter 2.4GHz (Gigahertz) coverage through many brick walls and one locker (perfect for Ray’s ultimate plan). Now, Ray stated, was the hardest part of the plan: convincing some of the younger 6th graders, some other 7th graders, and some of the older 8th graders to put some ‘Art Projects’ in their already low-on-space lockers. Young Jacky Higgons was the first volunteer in the 6th-grade group to step up to the risky challenge, and a kid named Sockony Yargforth (arguably the most annoying kid in the 6th grade) was the second person to join in on the plan. In 7th grade, Ray Knoblocs and a kid who is nicknamed ‘chainsaw’ (the dude who got beat up by a toddler during the tragic pinecone wars) were the kids who were in on the plan. Last but not least, as Ray says, Robby Darstrain and Kibby McRingerson are the 8th-grade helpers for the big plan.
After a series of emails with the various volunteers, the plan, which was now called Sussy Networks, was ready. On the first Wednesday of January, when everyone was back from winter break, Sussy Networks was put into action. The Art Projects reached each other with just enough signal to get decent internet speeds all across the school, and the teachers didn’t suspect a thing about the cardboard boxes disguised as horrible birds (new article about these birds coming soon). The birds looked like ugly demons, and sometimes the teachers tried to avoid the lockers with the birds altogether because of this. Ray says that after all the kinks in Sussy Networks were fixed, “It was like there was never anything wrong.” Normally, all of the wars and riots stopping so suddenly would be suspicious, but the evil teachers had recently gotten better at fighting, and because of this, they felt that they had won, despite the situation being the opposite.
Ray Knoblocs seems to have achieved his goals and has the extra bonus of being the most popular kid in the school (for approximately 2.9 days). The Banter News team interviewed some kids, who say that the newest slang word is knobloc because it sounds like ‘no block’. Michal has resumed his Roblox sessions (when he is not with the rest of his advisory class in Ms. Everevil’s basement) and Ray’s family’s house no longer suffers from thousand-dollar damage from the explosive grenade pinecones (EGP article MAYBE coming soon). To this day, the kids of BHMS regard Ray as a hero.
