Just earlier this week Tim Breakerly, the inventor behind the world famous finger truck, created what he calls “The Salad Missile”. According to Tim, this invention will force kids to eat their veggies. These missiles will contain large amounts of Johnny’s Probably Farm Grown Instant Salad™, which should expand into about 20 tons of salad on impact. “When the missile expands the salad, all of of the kids will have to eat their way out of the building, therefore forcing them to eat their veggies.” Says Tim.
In recent news, the US government has gotten involved in the creation of salad missiles. According to president Biden these missiles are “Completely necessary to give kids a good diet.” So, the government is going to test this missile on, in the head of the military’s own words “Something expendable”. We have just found out that that is Southern Hills Middle School, and the launch will be happening later today. “We are sure that nobody will be harmed.” Says Tim. “Besides of course the emotional damage of having to eat your way out of a school. We now are turning to reporter Hansen, out by the school as the missile will be launched in 1 minutes time.
As you can see, the salad missile slightly overreacted. “This sucks” says a 6th grader that was in southern hills at the time. “I see this as a complete success!” Says Tim. “Now the kids will get to eat a nearly unlimited amount of questionably safe-to-eat salad!” An interview was conducted with the principal of Southern Hills, shortly after the salad explosion. Here’s how it went.
Reporter: How do you feel about being one of the first people to witness this amazing invention?
Principal: Well if I’m being completely honest, I’ve got mixed feelings about it.
R: Go on.
P: Well, for one thing, it will take an estimate of 1 month to eat our way out of here, and it will also take an estimated 2 years to eat all of the salad, which will be hard as it will go bad within a week.
R: Are you aware that Johnny’s Probably Farm Grown Instant Salad™ never goes bad?
P: How is that possible?
R: The power of QUESTIONABLE CHEMICALS
R: Anyway, what’s the good side of this?
P: Well, once we get out of here I am going to cancel all imports of school lunches, which should save us about 10 grand; exactly enough to buy that massage chair I’ve been wanting.
R: Well, that’s all I wanted to know.
R: Alright crew, send the helicopter for me and seal this school up with salad again!
P: WAIT NO TAKE ME WITH Y-
After the immediate success of this invention, the government is planning to do this to a neighborhood next. “This could be the solution to getting everyone in our country in shape.” Says Ben Higgons, Military Officer.
