They Demand Miniature Top hats
This week in Thortan Colorado, a new species of pigeons was found that could talk. The pigeons in question have formed a union, to demand equal rights. The head of the union (an Egyptian Swift Pigeon) has threatened attacks on the capital of the United States of America if their demands arent met. Luckily, after hearing this government official, Liza Burns described herself as a pigeon spy and gave the head of the union the geographical coordinates of the white house. The only slight issue is that when the pigeons came to attack the white house they realized that they were in Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea. In recent news, Kim Jong Un has declared war on pigeons; the news headline will be attached below.
The US National Guard has also announced that they have been attempting to track the pigeons for weeks but the birds have been using some kind of cloaking device to stay under the radar of the US. The infamous cloaking device has been nicknamed F.E.A.T.H.E.R.S. – Feathered Espionage Apparatus To Hide Evasive Reconnaissance Systems. In a surprise twist, followers of the birds Arnet real conspiracy theory have started worshiping these pigeons. The president of what used to be the birds aren’t Real conspiracy theory and is now the Magic Pigeon cult has stated that they will assist in taking down both North Korea and the USA. “I’m genuinely scared for my life,” says a random American. “What if the pigeons have little machine guns? Just thinking about it horrifies me.”
In retaliation for the birds going into hiding, the United States has developed over 5,000 additional nukes in case war breaks out. In retaliation for the USA’s retaliation, the pigeons have developed what they call the “Bird star”, based on the Death Star from the Star Wars franchise. Just like the death star the bird star has massive destructive capabilities, able to shoot a laser with the firepower of a small nuke. Under threat of a possibly country-ending threat, Joe Biden has announced that he is giving the birds equal rights and a lifetime supply of miniature top hats. Because of this, the pigeons have announced that they won’t destroy America. Unfortunately, Americans are idiots; a man trying to revive the birds arnet real campaign decided to kill a talking pigeon to see if it was a robot. Because of this man, America has only lasted 43 minutes into their peace treaty, one of the longest of all time. Well now that we Americans have limited days left, you might as well press that big shiny donate button on the home page. What were you planning to do with it when you’re dead anyway?
